People Are Funny...Aren't They

So as you all know, I am going to the gym almost everyday trying to get into shape before my life ends... more appropriately known as turning 30! I still have, let's see (pause for mental calculations), 3 months and six days left. The goal: Be in the best physical shape of my life on that day. Will it happen, maybe. I've so far lost 13 lbs and gone down 3 inches in my waste. Anyways, not my reason for today's blog. No, what I find funny is that everyone at the gym all look like they hate it. They all have this depressed look on their faces. You get the odd guy who looks real happy and always asks you how you're doing, even though you've never met him before, but for the most part people just don't look happy. I just found that amusing and thought I should share it with the class. I probably look the same way, I'm sure it's not on purpose. Or why would you be there?

Maybe they're all turning 30 soon too.

Cool and Refreshing

Temporary Relief

Where are these monkeys coming from??

I've been very busy, as usual. I have just spent the weekend installing two Windows Server 2003 systems, one Active Directory and one Exchange 2003. The drivers that came with my original IBM hardware were crap. Especially the 320 SCSI adapter. It blue screened my server more than once. But I seem to have everything going alright now. The only things left are moving the clients into the new domain, and talking with Symantec about the high pitched noise coming from my gateway appliance. Anyway... boring stuff for you I'm sure.

I had a dream the other night about a girl I nearly dated almost 10 years ago. She is one of my only true regrets. She was more than beautiful, she was amazing. And she really liked me. I was a clueless, spineless 19 or 20 year old with little confidence. The short version of the story is that I messed up my chances with her. Anyways, back to my dream. We were dancing a slow dance and I started to tell her how I felt about her back in the day. I told her everything I used to think, but was too shy to say at the time. I wonder where she is now, not that it really matters. I know she'd have to be married by now. I ran into her cousin a few years ago, but never inquired about her. It's funny, no matter how final the past is, it's still something that always finds a way to pull at me. I spend too much time looking back. I need to work on that.

It's been exactly three weeks since I last saw or spoke to Temptation. Everytime I don't see or hear from her for an extended length of time I think maybe I never will again. And that wouldn't be a bad thing. As much as I want to explore a relationship with her I am realistic about my circumstance. It's just not an option. So lately I've been doing some forward thinking, trying to put my existing life with my family back to half normal, and spending more time with the kids, when I'm not working of course. So what happens? She calls me yesterday. Says she's going to be back in town for a while and would like to go out for coffee with me this week. She doesn't even drink coffee. I should have said "no"... but I didn't. I really have created a mess.

I feel like Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) in The Godfather III.

"Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in."

In Case You're Wondering...Like Anyone Reads This

This was a rough weekend. I came close to leaving but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The kids were pretty upset, and it was especially hard on my oldest son.

The truth is, I seriously am in a mid-life crisis. I think about how my 20's are now gone, and I didn't travel, or do any of the things I had planned on doing. The other thing is that I am literally not the same person I was 8 - 10 years ago. Back then I was scared of waking up at 30 and being a single desperate guy, you know the type. Now I find I wake up near 30 and wonder, what the hell?! Where did the last 10 years go? Back then I was insecure and mentally weaker than I am today. I used to be very emotional, but that has done a full 180. Now I feel like a stone most of the time, void of any emotion unless its from my sons. It's not that I don't love Hell, I do, but it doesn't feel like it did then. She is the mother of my children and will always have my respect and love for that. But we are in different places in our lives. We want completely different things. But if I was to leave, I knew that the marriage would dissolve completely as well. And sure, other women are a huge temptation for me (see previous posts), though I have always been faithful.

There is no "other" woman that brought on these thoughts. These are the things that you push to the back of your mind, the ones that have maybe always been there and know that it is only fantasy and not a realistic option. I mean I love looking at beautiful women as much now as I ever have, but leaving what's most important in my life for one? I can't do it. Women would just end up being a by-product of leaving my marriage. My kids are my saving grace, without them who knows where I'd be, literally. I have had unbelievable urges to walk onto a plane without saying anything and ending up in a different country. But the boys keep me grounded.

So I swallow my pride, push my thoughts and wants to back to where they came, and put up a brave face. I will continue as I always have... like a man stuck in the dark, occasionally having glimpses of light shone on his face. It's all for them, they will be better men than I.

Almost Losing It

It's been a very frustrating couple of weeks. I have been seriously considering leaving my wife. And not for a stripper either. The thing is this. I have been going through this whole early mid-life crisis lately. I'm freaking out about turning 30 in 3 1/2 months, and I'm thinking "where did my 20's go?!"

I have been a real ass to Hell the last little while too. She pretty much told me her and the kids were leaving me yesterday. I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of waking in 12 years and wondering where my entire life went. I love my kids. They are the only reason I haven't started over. I hate this shit. I know the right thing to do is just suck it up. I choose this life, albeit a little naively, but I did choose it. The other side of me says it'll be so nice to have your own place again, and to do what ever you want.

Tonight we are having a big talk. If I'm honest about my thoughts and feelings, then it's over and I'll be looking for a place. If I just shrug it off like I always have, then I get to be with the kids and they get to stay in their home.

I hate myself sometimes.

No. 5

My whiskey liquor smile
Shone on you for hours
You gave me all my thoughts would allow
Blanketing me with your scent of flowers

You pretend to talk to me
You even say you'll call me
When my pockets are all empty
You have other people to see

"Let's have coffee" she says...
"I like to talk with you
We can start again when I return"
Now I know I'm playing the fool

That feeling is burning my soul
I have to look them in their eyes
Hoping they can't see this gaping hole
Left behind from her burning show

You took my money
And blew me a kiss
Isn't it funny how
You make yourself rich

Lead me not into temptation...oh what the hell!

So here I sit in an Internet cafe, waiting out my beverage. I have a cappicino I haven't quite finished. Normally I never need to use a public connection, but this weekend I'm working without my laptop. The only reason I even stopped in here was to check my email. I got a message 2 days ago from my temptation. She said she was back in town and wanted me to come by the club the next night. She hasn't called me again on the phone. I emailed her back saying I couldn't, but that maybe tonight or Saturday would work. Silence. For the last two days I haven't heard a word back. I called her, but got her message taker. I left my number.

So here I sit....with the guilt sitting hard on my chest from what I'm about to do. I told hell I was working late. And I did, just not as late as expected. If going to the club is the only way I get to see my temptation, then this is the last time. If she was serious about what she said the last time I saw her, then I'll see her outside the club. But I can't become a bigger fool than I already am. If that's possible.

I'm done my drink. Nothing left but foam that takes too long to slide to the lip of the mug. Here I go...I hope she's there...or maybe I don't?

Sometimes I hate being a man.

The Thing I Miss the Most is My Mind

There is so much going on, and I have so little time to blog it out. Work is busy, I have a client I'm doing a major project for. That'll keep my hours long over the next few weeks. Perhaps it'll also keep my mind from wandering, and my heart from pulling me into inappropriate situations.

We're going away for the weekend...should be good.

Do you ever make guilt purchases? Damn me.

Forgive Me Blogger....For I Have Sinned...

It's been thirteen days since my last blog. There are times I don't even know who I am. I am becoming the father I never knew. Working on making the same mistakes that resulted in years of confusion and pain. What's wrong with me? Why can't I just suck it up and do my time? I only have another 15 years to go. Yet I pursue what I can never truly have. And I put so many lives in jeopardy....think about the children. They have a right to a Father. One mistake...indulgence can change their lives forever. Would they forgive me? It doesn't matter. That's not the point. I made my bed, now I must lie in it. If I had only been wiser, more mature, level headed. But the results of my past have brought me two precious souls. Even if the foolishness of being young has trapped me behind bars, their innocent eyes are worthy of my loyalty. Fantasies must remain that...fantasies.

She calls...I answer...I'm a fool.

Do you ever feel like you're being watched?

The Brother Saga Continues...

I had plans to go see my sister and brother-in-law yesterday. They live in a town about an hour and 45 minutes away. I had built them something and was going to deliver and set it up for them. About ten minutes before I walk out the door, my mother calls all in a panic. She says she can't find my brother and hasn't heard from him in twelve hours.

Normally this wouldn't be a problem, however he has been steadily getting worse in his drug use, and his disposition has become increasingly more aggressive and angry. She said she visited his storage unit, where he has been living, and when she banged on the door and called him there was no answer. It has been very hot the last few weeks, and the little 6 ft. x 8 ft. storage unit has no air flow or cooling. I tried to calm her by saying he may be out getting something to eat, but she insists that if he had left, the top deadbolt would have been locked. He is extremely paranoid and would never leave the place with locking all locks. She's crying asking me what to do. I said that she should give it another hour, and then go back and check again. She then starts off on how she's been having these nightmares where she is hold his lifeless body, while acid bleeds out his eyes and mouth. At this point I have to just tell her to try not to worry because there is no reason to believe he is not alive. I then tell her to call me after she has gone back again to check on him.

Seeing as how my mother and brother both live in the same town as the sister I'm on my way to visit, I decide to drive straight to the storage unit myself. I am of course feeling sick to my stomach thinking the worse on my long drive. Although I would not let on to that while talking to my mother. I've always been the voice of calm and reason in my family. Even if it wasn't how I actually felt.

I had never been to this storage unit, where my brother has been living since being evicted. I parked my car, and walked to the unit number I had gotten from my mother. I banged on the door and called for him. And yes, I noticed the deadbolt was still unlocked. My brother answered me from behind the door. It sounded like I had woken him up from a sleep or something. I said it was me and asked if he was alright. He locked the deadbolt from inside, and said he was fine. I finally convinced him to come out and talk to me. I stood outside for about ten minutes before he came out. He opened the door while climbing over boxes to get out. It was as if he had piled up his stuff against the door. Must be the paranoia. As he walked over to me, I could see the bottoms of his eyes were all black and sunken in, his checks were sunken in and he looked dehydrated. I could nearly see his ribs from the wind blowing his t-shirt against him. He looked terrible, I've never seen him like this before. I tried to talk to him, telling him that mom was worried because he didn't answer her when she came by. He was angry that I was there. He ranted and raved about how everyone treats him as a child and how it's nobody's fucking business what he does or where he is. I told him we care about him, and want to make sure he's OK. I never raised my voice because he was already highly confrontational, and I didn't want him to become violent. This man is not my bother. He is the byproduct of the drug use. I have to keep that in mind. I asked him if he would consider the detox program his doctor suggested. His response was a loud flat out "NO!" I asked why, but he wouldn't give me a reason. I said, "You are at a fork in the road. You have two choices, continue on the current self destructive path you are on, and damn everyone who cares about you. Or enter the detox, clean up your life and have my full support in whatever you do. If you try to help yourself, I will stand behind you and offer any support I can, because I love you and care about you." I thought if I just showed him how I feel, that he would take it into consideration. "Of course you're going to say that, that's the politically correct answer. You'd be an asshole to say anything else!" That was his response. He says everyone is "up in my face" and in the same breath rages on about how bad his life is, how he hates living where he is, and how the company who he has worked for for the past ten years is trying to fire him. Yet me, or anyone else trying to offer him help is "up in his face."

I'm kind of at a loss, I don't know what more I can offer him. I hate to lose him to this life he is leading but I have two young boys who have to be my main priority. They are the ones I must put my energies towards. Besides, it seems as if I have already lost my brother. He is not the same person he was a five years ago, hell, even five months ago. He needs to decide for himself what he wants. I hate this drug shit.

The trip wasn't a total downer, I did get to see my sister. She bought me a new coffee maker. She works for Starbucks and is always giving me coffee and accessories. I stayed overnight at their place, and we all had breakfast in the morning.

So that was my weekend....how was yours?

Interesting...there is a place called Crazy Creek, and at the creek is a tree. People for reason feel inclined to stick pennies in the sap of this tree.

Today's Random Image

I'm still new to this whole blogging phenomenon, but I want to share random pictures I've captured either personally, or just collected from others. Hope you enjoy.

Now I have to head out and try to get my un-toned and weak 29 year old body into shape. The goal...to triumph over my early mid-life crisis before I hit the big 3-0.

My time is running out.

20 years and change

I just spoke to someone I haven't talked to in twenty years. My first step-father. Last time I saw him I was about 9 years old. He had been the only father I had known from the time I was born, not knowing who my real Dad was. When him and my mother divorced in 1983 he stopped having anything to do with me. He did however still see his other children, my half brother and sister. I guess he felt that because I wasn't biologically his, he didn't need to pursue a relationship with me. Try explaining that to a 9 year old boy, the only man he'd ever known as Daddy didn't have to see him anymore. I dealt with it the best I could. I was the oldest, and knew that one day I would find my real father, who didn't know I even existed. Throughout my teens I would fantasize about what it would be like meet my real Dad, and how we would have this great relationship. We'd hang out and talk, play sports, whatever. Naive...that's what I was. I did actually find him when I was 20 years old. I had hired private investigators to help me. And they did. I found him. You know what he said? "So what do you want?" That was his reaction. Needless to say it wasn't what I had imagined it would be. I never understood that. Especially now that I'm a father myself of two wonderful boys...

Anyways, I'm way off topic. I called this person, who I was even named after, because of my half brother. Forget the half, my brother. He's 26 now and his life is spinning out of control. Everybody can see it but him. Over the last few years he's started doing heavy drugs. It almost took his life in a suicide attempt 2 years ago. With the help of his family and at the expense of many, he managed to get off of them. For a while. Now things are worse than before, and he can't see it. He feels everyone should mind their own business and not try and "force their morals" on him. He doesn't realize that it's not about that, it's about his life. I don't want to see him lose it. He needs help, and I thought maybe his father could help him, if he won't let anyone else. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time. You think that time dulls feelings from years ago...but it doesn't.

I'm still shaking...

Too Tired

Just got in from work. Kinda. It was for a friend, but took way too long with too many obstacles. Anyway, now I missed my visit to the gym. Not that big of a deal if I had gone yesterday like I should have. I really don't mind working out. But I do get annoyed at those guys who constantly stare at themselves in the mirror, giving themselves the "come hither" look. Oh ya, and they grunt way too much. What the hell is that anyways?!

No real point to tonight's post, too tired to put much into it.

I feel like a drink. I haven't had one since last Saturday. In fact I had many that day. I don't recall exactly how much, but I was told it was 11 or 12 doubles. Whisky, straight, on the rocks. Kind of old fashioned, but it really is the only way to go for me. I did some things that night, call it bad judgment, a brain cramp, or pure intoxication, whatever. But somehow it drained me of $1200 dollars. "Somehow." Like I don't know. I'm a fool sometimes.

Time to crash....and burn?

07.26.2004

I've been wanting to blog for a long time, but never took the time.  I am doing that now.  I have things in me I need to explain.  With this blog I will say what I need to without the risk.  Am I talking directly to anyone?  No.  But if anyone wants to listen, feel free.

Why did I choose "Black and Blue from the Wind and the Rain" as my title?  That title is taken from a verse in a Stereophonics song.  It just seemed to aptly describe how I'm feeling today.  That may change, it may not. 

Lately it seems like the weight of the world is on my back. Most of it self inflicted, some of it not.  This will be my forum of expression and confession.  A place to unload and unlock some of the things I feel and do.