In Case You're Wondering...Like Anyone Reads This

This was a rough weekend. I came close to leaving but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The kids were pretty upset, and it was especially hard on my oldest son.

The truth is, I seriously am in a mid-life crisis. I think about how my 20's are now gone, and I didn't travel, or do any of the things I had planned on doing. The other thing is that I am literally not the same person I was 8 - 10 years ago. Back then I was scared of waking up at 30 and being a single desperate guy, you know the type. Now I find I wake up near 30 and wonder, what the hell?! Where did the last 10 years go? Back then I was insecure and mentally weaker than I am today. I used to be very emotional, but that has done a full 180. Now I feel like a stone most of the time, void of any emotion unless its from my sons. It's not that I don't love Hell, I do, but it doesn't feel like it did then. She is the mother of my children and will always have my respect and love for that. But we are in different places in our lives. We want completely different things. But if I was to leave, I knew that the marriage would dissolve completely as well. And sure, other women are a huge temptation for me (see previous posts), though I have always been faithful.

There is no "other" woman that brought on these thoughts. These are the things that you push to the back of your mind, the ones that have maybe always been there and know that it is only fantasy and not a realistic option. I mean I love looking at beautiful women as much now as I ever have, but leaving what's most important in my life for one? I can't do it. Women would just end up being a by-product of leaving my marriage. My kids are my saving grace, without them who knows where I'd be, literally. I have had unbelievable urges to walk onto a plane without saying anything and ending up in a different country. But the boys keep me grounded.

So I swallow my pride, push my thoughts and wants to back to where they came, and put up a brave face. I will continue as I always have... like a man stuck in the dark, occasionally having glimpses of light shone on his face. It's all for them, they will be better men than I.