So as you all know, I am going to the gym almost everyday trying to get into shape before my life ends... more appropriately known as turning 30! I still have, let's see (pause for mental calculations), 3 months and six days left. The goal: Be in the best physical shape of my life on that day. Will it happen, maybe. I've so far lost 13 lbs and gone down 3 inches in my waste. Anyways, not my reason for today's blog. No, what I find funny is that everyone at the gym all look like they hate it. They all have this depressed look on their faces. You get the odd guy who looks real happy and always asks you how you're doing, even though you've never met him before, but for the most part people just don't look happy. I just found that amusing and thought I should share it with the class. I probably look the same way, I'm sure it's not on purpose. Or why would you be there?
Maybe they're all turning 30 soon too.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Monday, September 20, 2004
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Where are these monkeys coming from??
I've been very busy, as usual. I have just spent the weekend installing two Windows Server 2003 systems, one Active Directory and one Exchange 2003. The drivers that came with my original IBM hardware were crap. Especially the 320 SCSI adapter. It blue screened my server more than once. But I seem to have everything going alright now. The only things left are moving the clients into the new domain, and talking with Symantec about the high pitched noise coming from my gateway appliance. Anyway... boring stuff for you I'm sure.
I had a dream the other night about a girl I nearly dated almost 10 years ago. She is one of my only true regrets. She was more than beautiful, she was amazing. And she really liked me. I was a clueless, spineless 19 or 20 year old with little confidence. The short version of the story is that I messed up my chances with her. Anyways, back to my dream. We were dancing a slow dance and I started to tell her how I felt about her back in the day. I told her everything I used to think, but was too shy to say at the time. I wonder where she is now, not that it really matters. I know she'd have to be married by now. I ran into her cousin a few years ago, but never inquired about her. It's funny, no matter how final the past is, it's still something that always finds a way to pull at me. I spend too much time looking back. I need to work on that.
It's been exactly three weeks since I last saw or spoke to Temptation. Everytime I don't see or hear from her for an extended length of time I think maybe I never will again. And that wouldn't be a bad thing. As much as I want to explore a relationship with her I am realistic about my circumstance. It's just not an option. So lately I've been doing some forward thinking, trying to put my existing life with my family back to half normal, and spending more time with the kids, when I'm not working of course. So what happens? She calls me yesterday. Says she's going to be back in town for a while and would like to go out for coffee with me this week. She doesn't even drink coffee. I should have said "no"... but I didn't. I really have created a mess.
I feel like Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) in The Godfather III.
"Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in."
I had a dream the other night about a girl I nearly dated almost 10 years ago. She is one of my only true regrets. She was more than beautiful, she was amazing. And she really liked me. I was a clueless, spineless 19 or 20 year old with little confidence. The short version of the story is that I messed up my chances with her. Anyways, back to my dream. We were dancing a slow dance and I started to tell her how I felt about her back in the day. I told her everything I used to think, but was too shy to say at the time. I wonder where she is now, not that it really matters. I know she'd have to be married by now. I ran into her cousin a few years ago, but never inquired about her. It's funny, no matter how final the past is, it's still something that always finds a way to pull at me. I spend too much time looking back. I need to work on that.
It's been exactly three weeks since I last saw or spoke to Temptation. Everytime I don't see or hear from her for an extended length of time I think maybe I never will again. And that wouldn't be a bad thing. As much as I want to explore a relationship with her I am realistic about my circumstance. It's just not an option. So lately I've been doing some forward thinking, trying to put my existing life with my family back to half normal, and spending more time with the kids, when I'm not working of course. So what happens? She calls me yesterday. Says she's going to be back in town for a while and would like to go out for coffee with me this week. She doesn't even drink coffee. I should have said "no"... but I didn't. I really have created a mess.
I feel like Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) in The Godfather III.
"Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in."
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
In Case You're Wondering...Like Anyone Reads This
This was a rough weekend. I came close to leaving but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The kids were pretty upset, and it was especially hard on my oldest son.
The truth is, I seriously am in a mid-life crisis. I think about how my 20's are now gone, and I didn't travel, or do any of the things I had planned on doing. The other thing is that I am literally not the same person I was 8 - 10 years ago. Back then I was scared of waking up at 30 and being a single desperate guy, you know the type. Now I find I wake up near 30 and wonder, what the hell?! Where did the last 10 years go? Back then I was insecure and mentally weaker than I am today. I used to be very emotional, but that has done a full 180. Now I feel like a stone most of the time, void of any emotion unless its from my sons. It's not that I don't love Hell, I do, but it doesn't feel like it did then. She is the mother of my children and will always have my respect and love for that. But we are in different places in our lives. We want completely different things. But if I was to leave, I knew that the marriage would dissolve completely as well. And sure, other women are a huge temptation for me (see previous posts), though I have always been faithful.
There is no "other" woman that brought on these thoughts. These are the things that you push to the back of your mind, the ones that have maybe always been there and know that it is only fantasy and not a realistic option. I mean I love looking at beautiful women as much now as I ever have, but leaving what's most important in my life for one? I can't do it. Women would just end up being a by-product of leaving my marriage. My kids are my saving grace, without them who knows where I'd be, literally. I have had unbelievable urges to walk onto a plane without saying anything and ending up in a different country. But the boys keep me grounded.
So I swallow my pride, push my thoughts and wants to back to where they came, and put up a brave face. I will continue as I always have... like a man stuck in the dark, occasionally having glimpses of light shone on his face. It's all for them, they will be better men than I.
The truth is, I seriously am in a mid-life crisis. I think about how my 20's are now gone, and I didn't travel, or do any of the things I had planned on doing. The other thing is that I am literally not the same person I was 8 - 10 years ago. Back then I was scared of waking up at 30 and being a single desperate guy, you know the type. Now I find I wake up near 30 and wonder, what the hell?! Where did the last 10 years go? Back then I was insecure and mentally weaker than I am today. I used to be very emotional, but that has done a full 180. Now I feel like a stone most of the time, void of any emotion unless its from my sons. It's not that I don't love Hell, I do, but it doesn't feel like it did then. She is the mother of my children and will always have my respect and love for that. But we are in different places in our lives. We want completely different things. But if I was to leave, I knew that the marriage would dissolve completely as well. And sure, other women are a huge temptation for me (see previous posts), though I have always been faithful.
There is no "other" woman that brought on these thoughts. These are the things that you push to the back of your mind, the ones that have maybe always been there and know that it is only fantasy and not a realistic option. I mean I love looking at beautiful women as much now as I ever have, but leaving what's most important in my life for one? I can't do it. Women would just end up being a by-product of leaving my marriage. My kids are my saving grace, without them who knows where I'd be, literally. I have had unbelievable urges to walk onto a plane without saying anything and ending up in a different country. But the boys keep me grounded.
So I swallow my pride, push my thoughts and wants to back to where they came, and put up a brave face. I will continue as I always have... like a man stuck in the dark, occasionally having glimpses of light shone on his face. It's all for them, they will be better men than I.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Almost Losing It
It's been a very frustrating couple of weeks. I have been seriously considering leaving my wife. And not for a stripper either. The thing is this. I have been going through this whole early mid-life crisis lately. I'm freaking out about turning 30 in 3 1/2 months, and I'm thinking "where did my 20's go?!"
I have been a real ass to Hell the last little while too. She pretty much told me her and the kids were leaving me yesterday. I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of waking in 12 years and wondering where my entire life went. I love my kids. They are the only reason I haven't started over. I hate this shit. I know the right thing to do is just suck it up. I choose this life, albeit a little naively, but I did choose it. The other side of me says it'll be so nice to have your own place again, and to do what ever you want.
Tonight we are having a big talk. If I'm honest about my thoughts and feelings, then it's over and I'll be looking for a place. If I just shrug it off like I always have, then I get to be with the kids and they get to stay in their home.
I hate myself sometimes.
I have been a real ass to Hell the last little while too. She pretty much told me her and the kids were leaving me yesterday. I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of waking in 12 years and wondering where my entire life went. I love my kids. They are the only reason I haven't started over. I hate this shit. I know the right thing to do is just suck it up. I choose this life, albeit a little naively, but I did choose it. The other side of me says it'll be so nice to have your own place again, and to do what ever you want.
Tonight we are having a big talk. If I'm honest about my thoughts and feelings, then it's over and I'll be looking for a place. If I just shrug it off like I always have, then I get to be with the kids and they get to stay in their home.
I hate myself sometimes.
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