Finding a Phantom

So today is the day I start my journey. Whether I find what I'm looking for will be the question. But what am I looking for? Sometimes I think I know... right now I'm not sure. I could be just wasting my time and money on a phantom. A faceless person who exists only in my fantasies. I have heard his voice though I don't remember how it sounds. Maybe he has had a change of heart in the last eight years, but I doubt it. So here I am, laying myself out on the line. But you know what? At least I can say that I did everything that I could within my power. There are so many 'what if's'. What if he won't see me? What if he's not there? What if.. what if.. what if... It could go on and on. But I have made this decion. I need to know if I look like him. I need to know if he even cares that he is a grandfather. I need to know so many things. Do I get any traits from him? I think I do. For example, my inclination to peruse a relationship with a woman who is not my wife. Why do I do this? Why did he? I am not a better person than he is, and that is not what this is about. Like I have said before, if I don't know where I came from, how do I know where I'm going? I knew this time would one day come. I have searched since I knew, about the age of 9. It was that time that I realized the true magnitude of my situation. And throughout my life of abusive step fathers, I knew that if my Dad knew of my existence, he would never allow me to hurt. He would care me, and want to be with me. That was my one hope through out my life. So when I finally found him he asked me, "What do you want?" I didn't know what to say. I didn't want money, or someone to play catch with me, or ride on his shoulders. I was past that age. I knew that I would never experience what I feel I lost out on in my childhood. So what did I want... I wanted acceptance. And that's what he didn't want to give me.

I have to go, my flight is announcing its boarding call.