Screaming at Trees

Scream at trees. That’s the advice I got from a friend who is also happens to be a lawyer. These last two months have been the most difficult of my entire adult life. The hardest part is the replaying of different nights in my head and the suspicion I had, or the gut feeling. Or even the strange actions in her behavior and how looking back now I can see everything so crystal clear. I wish all of this was a work of fiction or a story that someone made up. But it’s not. It’s the mess and anguish that is now my life.

I have never felt so alone, so by myself. The gnawing twine of pain I feel in the pit of my stomach. Knowing that my wife of eight years and two children was having an affair on me right beneath my nose. Those 9 PM sharp walks that lasted sometimes more than two hours, while I was home alone with my sons, she was actually with another man doing things that we promised to each other on our wedding night. So painful and disturbing.

I would be the first to admit that we haven’t been as close as we had once been. But I had never been with another woman, not even kissing another woman since the day we first met nearly ten years ago. I should have seen this type of thing happening when she had kissed different men on four separate occasions. But I have always been the benefit of the doubt kind of guy, and I forgave her for her drunken mistakes during our courtship. What now? I have no idea.

I’m tormented. It’s been just over two weeks since I found out the truth about everything and I still feel like a gutted fish. I mean, I had had suspicions over the last few months, but deep in my heart of hearts I never really believed that she would cross that line. But I was wrong. Now I’m left with so many questions and nothing makes any sense. I keep replaying everything over again in my head. So many lies and so much deception. I can’t imagine a more painful feeling than the one that’s been scraping the inside of my soul. And the hatred that has built up within the pain has become more than I feel I can bare. I have to keep reminding myself to keep things in perspective. No one has died.

Except for me.