I'm Wondering The Same Thing...

"What is it inside our heads

That makes us do the opposite,

Makes us do the opposite

Of what's right for us."

- My Morning Jacket

COMPLETELY YOU

THESE UPSIDE DOWN DREAMS OF RAGE

FUEL THE BLAZE THAT TORCH OUR DAYS

LOST INSIDE YOUR WINDING MAZE

CLAIMS OF LOVE MAKE ME SLAVE

REACHING OUT FOR JUST ONE TOUCH

WHEN "ONE" HAPPENS TO BE ANYTHING BUT

WHAT YOUR EYES SAY DEEP INSIDE

BECAUSE SOMEWHERE ELSE YOUR HEART RESIDES

TORMENTED WITHIN YOUR SOUL I KNOW

ONE IS TWO AND SOMETIMES IT SHOWS

IN LATE NIGHT TALK AND CONVERSATIONS

YOU CAN'T TUNE IN TO JUST ONE STATION

IN YOUR RATS NEST IS WHERE I LIE

YOU PROMISE ME SOON I'LL BE UNTIED

ALL IT TAKES IS YOU TO CLEAR YOUR MIND

BUT WE BOTH KNOW IT'LL NEVER UNBIND

I'VE TRIED TO LEAVE BUT IT RIPS MY SKIN

THE LIES AND LUST MANIFEST WITHIN

WHEN YOU'VE "CHOSEN" ME BUT STILL LOVE HIM

IF WE COULD GO BACK WE'D NEVER BEGIN

Its that time of year again...

Well now that 2009 is officially half over I figured it's time for my yearly blog update. This would be dripping with sarcasm if it wasn't so true.  I logged into my Dashboard and I'm like "wha??" Luckily for me I can adapt pretty quickly to changes. Ok, so they weren't that difficult to sort out. 

I would love to share with you all everything that is new, but instead I will share something less exhausting. Here is a poem I wrote in 1995... 

BLACK RAIN

I can't cry

I won't lie

I can't decide

Should I die

Black and blue

Slit on my wrist

You can see it

When I clench my fist

The blackest rain 

Runs through my veins

I won't refrain

It's you I blame

Stuck on my back

I won't crack

I just relax

To let the pain attack

If I wake

Give me some more

If I die

It's without remorse

The Fogotten Blog

Well not really forgotten, just neglected. It's hard to believe I haven't posted in over a year. There are so many things in our lives that keep us busy, and in order to accommodate new things you sometimes have to let old things go.

I'm not ready to let this go just yet... I've started writing again after a long time off. I plan on sharing these with you, my only audience. Seriously, how do you let something grow so stagnant? (That's rhetorical)

On the bright side I did manage to get my profile picture back up after my host moved the URL on me. Crazy bastards.

I miss you all... And I'll be back soon!

The Boy

In My Darkened Days
You're The Light Shone My Way

In My World Of Despair
You're The Angel Bringing Me Hope

Somebody To Love
Someone To Know

From Directionless Chaos
My Focus Is Towards you

From Every Moment On
You Are My Reason To Belong

You Are The Closest To My Heart
You Give Me A New Start

No One Will Fully Understand
What You Mean To This Poor Old Man

You Are My Life The One
You Are New Meaning My Son

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to scratch it

I miss this place.. the therapy for my sole and dumping ground for an overwhelmed mind. I miss the days when I used to write every week.... If I ever was really that consistent. I miss the friends I had made, and the responses they share. I miss many things... and I wonder if they miss me too...?

ALONE

Every night I close my eyes
Trying to forget my crimes
I can't seem to shed any light
In the dark corners of my mind

You can hear my desperation
It echoes in my words
As I struggle to go on
My life slowly burns

Maybe I was meant to be alone
Forever and without
My heart's already turned to stone
So why not throw it out

There's something deep inside of me
I'm still trying to understand
Something that I just can't reach
Because I'm only a man

I hold this bleeding rose of confusion
To remind me of a life I didn't choose
Now there's nothing left I can do
So I ask "Where Are You?"

Its been a long time, I know...

I've not been lost in the woods living as a recluse with no modern conveniences, such as an Internet connection and keyboard. But rather I've taken the needed time away from things to sort out my soul. The last 12 months, and in some cases the last 24, have been a very trying and on a lot of levels a very confusing time for me. I think it has helped. I know it has.

Thank you to those who supported me with encouraging words and listening ears, I am now back to return the favor.

Nice to see you again. :)

A New Year

Screaming at Trees

Scream at trees. That’s the advice I got from a friend who is also happens to be a lawyer. These last two months have been the most difficult of my entire adult life. The hardest part is the replaying of different nights in my head and the suspicion I had, or the gut feeling. Or even the strange actions in her behavior and how looking back now I can see everything so crystal clear. I wish all of this was a work of fiction or a story that someone made up. But it’s not. It’s the mess and anguish that is now my life.

I have never felt so alone, so by myself. The gnawing twine of pain I feel in the pit of my stomach. Knowing that my wife of eight years and two children was having an affair on me right beneath my nose. Those 9 PM sharp walks that lasted sometimes more than two hours, while I was home alone with my sons, she was actually with another man doing things that we promised to each other on our wedding night. So painful and disturbing.

I would be the first to admit that we haven’t been as close as we had once been. But I had never been with another woman, not even kissing another woman since the day we first met nearly ten years ago. I should have seen this type of thing happening when she had kissed different men on four separate occasions. But I have always been the benefit of the doubt kind of guy, and I forgave her for her drunken mistakes during our courtship. What now? I have no idea.

I’m tormented. It’s been just over two weeks since I found out the truth about everything and I still feel like a gutted fish. I mean, I had had suspicions over the last few months, but deep in my heart of hearts I never really believed that she would cross that line. But I was wrong. Now I’m left with so many questions and nothing makes any sense. I keep replaying everything over again in my head. So many lies and so much deception. I can’t imagine a more painful feeling than the one that’s been scraping the inside of my soul. And the hatred that has built up within the pain has become more than I feel I can bare. I have to keep reminding myself to keep things in perspective. No one has died.

Except for me.

As Mad As I Was, I'm Just So Happy It's Back!!!!!

HOCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!

Short and sweet.

Letting Go

Cold blowing rain
Tapping against my window pane
Slowing turning my mind insane

Something's right, everything's wrong
I can't win when it's so easy to lose
All I can do is just play along

Tight hold on reality
Never wanting to let go
Using life as a formality
And the rain turns to snow

All these pains we face
Come again day after day
We're only left with a trace
Of the way we felt yesterday

Random Cell Phone Image Day!

What's so special about a NYC taxi cab? Nothing really, except that I took this picture in Vancouver.

More JH Musings

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Sometimes I get so serious and start thinking about death. When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

Did you notice that's 3 postings in 4 days?? I can feel my consistency coming back.

One last thing...

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Fallen

With each passing minute
This weight pushes me down
Every time I look around
I’m further in the ground

The harder I try
The farther I fall
Life has brought me to my knees
And I’ve forgotten how to crawl

I climb a rock
The mountain crumbles
I run so far
Then I stumble

Every corner I turn
Brings me to an end
Every person I know
Denies they’re my friend

I sit here and wait
My broken wings won’t fly
I live in this state
Just trying to survive

I'm going to Wichita, Far from this opera for evermore

Last week I went to see the White Stripes play the Orpheum theatre. It was a first-rate performance and exceptionally entertaining. Although I wish I could understand what the hell Jack White is saying sometimes. A strange kat, but darn good guitarist. (Did I just say “strange kat”??) And well I have never given it much thought; there was something about the way Meg White drove beats out with reckless abandon that suddenly makes me strangely attracted to her. Is that normal?

We were up in the second balcony so unfortunately my piddly Motorola couldn't zoom in close enough to capture the duo playing on stage. But here is a pretty unique shot of Meg playing while her shadow is cast on the right side of the theatre wall. We missed the opening act because, well, we just didn't care to see them. The Stripes' set lasted about 74 minutes including a single encore. I was slightly disappointed with only one encore, but it was their second show in as many nights. After the gig ended, early at 10:40PM, we found a pretty talented cover band playing one of the bars down the street. So I rounded out my night listening to five guys playing everything from Michael Jackson to Guns n' Roses.

I Completely Missed July

How shameful... and it would have been my one year blogging anniversary. Oh well, I guess I'll just leave you all with this deep thought to ponder.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. No wait. It's not love I describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. Oh well, never mind.

Deep Thoughts ... by Jack Handy

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Reflection

Today was Father’s Day, or more technically yesterday was, but I have yet to go to bed. I have never really thought much about this day because growing up I never celebrated it. But today was the first time in my life that I could reflect without question on my father when this special day came around. I’ve thought about him a little over the last little while, wondering how he’s doing or if he still thinks about our conversation. It’s hard to believe that over seven months have passed since we met back in October. I remember both the feelings I had before we met and how I felt after. It had seemed like we would talk again and learn more about one another.

Of course things don’t always turn out as we foresee them or how they are suggested. I have not heard a word from him since last October when he seemed to have finally turned the corner in his life showing interest in me for the first time. There have been no phone calls or correspondence. It’s unfortunate that the sentiments he made to me have turned out to be, from every indication I have, false. Because as I told him then and I say now, I’m done. I no longer have to think about him if I don’t want to. My focus is on my own two sons.

The misfortune belongs to him.

Summer is here again

This was taken (not by me) during the forest fires of 2004 in BC. A lot of people lost their homes and businesses. Here's hoping for cooler summer this year.