A New Year

Screaming at Trees

Scream at trees. That’s the advice I got from a friend who is also happens to be a lawyer. These last two months have been the most difficult of my entire adult life. The hardest part is the replaying of different nights in my head and the suspicion I had, or the gut feeling. Or even the strange actions in her behavior and how looking back now I can see everything so crystal clear. I wish all of this was a work of fiction or a story that someone made up. But it’s not. It’s the mess and anguish that is now my life.

I have never felt so alone, so by myself. The gnawing twine of pain I feel in the pit of my stomach. Knowing that my wife of eight years and two children was having an affair on me right beneath my nose. Those 9 PM sharp walks that lasted sometimes more than two hours, while I was home alone with my sons, she was actually with another man doing things that we promised to each other on our wedding night. So painful and disturbing.

I would be the first to admit that we haven’t been as close as we had once been. But I had never been with another woman, not even kissing another woman since the day we first met nearly ten years ago. I should have seen this type of thing happening when she had kissed different men on four separate occasions. But I have always been the benefit of the doubt kind of guy, and I forgave her for her drunken mistakes during our courtship. What now? I have no idea.

I’m tormented. It’s been just over two weeks since I found out the truth about everything and I still feel like a gutted fish. I mean, I had had suspicions over the last few months, but deep in my heart of hearts I never really believed that she would cross that line. But I was wrong. Now I’m left with so many questions and nothing makes any sense. I keep replaying everything over again in my head. So many lies and so much deception. I can’t imagine a more painful feeling than the one that’s been scraping the inside of my soul. And the hatred that has built up within the pain has become more than I feel I can bare. I have to keep reminding myself to keep things in perspective. No one has died.

Except for me.

As Mad As I Was, I'm Just So Happy It's Back!!!!!

HOCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!

Short and sweet.

Letting Go

Cold blowing rain
Tapping against my window pane
Slowing turning my mind insane

Something's right, everything's wrong
I can't win when it's so easy to lose
All I can do is just play along

Tight hold on reality
Never wanting to let go
Using life as a formality
And the rain turns to snow

All these pains we face
Come again day after day
We're only left with a trace
Of the way we felt yesterday

Random Cell Phone Image Day!

What's so special about a NYC taxi cab? Nothing really, except that I took this picture in Vancouver.

More JH Musings

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Sometimes I get so serious and start thinking about death. When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

Did you notice that's 3 postings in 4 days?? I can feel my consistency coming back.

One last thing...

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Fallen

With each passing minute
This weight pushes me down
Every time I look around
I’m further in the ground

The harder I try
The farther I fall
Life has brought me to my knees
And I’ve forgotten how to crawl

I climb a rock
The mountain crumbles
I run so far
Then I stumble

Every corner I turn
Brings me to an end
Every person I know
Denies they’re my friend

I sit here and wait
My broken wings won’t fly
I live in this state
Just trying to survive

I'm going to Wichita, Far from this opera for evermore

Last week I went to see the White Stripes play the Orpheum theatre. It was a first-rate performance and exceptionally entertaining. Although I wish I could understand what the hell Jack White is saying sometimes. A strange kat, but darn good guitarist. (Did I just say “strange kat”??) And well I have never given it much thought; there was something about the way Meg White drove beats out with reckless abandon that suddenly makes me strangely attracted to her. Is that normal?

We were up in the second balcony so unfortunately my piddly Motorola couldn't zoom in close enough to capture the duo playing on stage. But here is a pretty unique shot of Meg playing while her shadow is cast on the right side of the theatre wall. We missed the opening act because, well, we just didn't care to see them. The Stripes' set lasted about 74 minutes including a single encore. I was slightly disappointed with only one encore, but it was their second show in as many nights. After the gig ended, early at 10:40PM, we found a pretty talented cover band playing one of the bars down the street. So I rounded out my night listening to five guys playing everything from Michael Jackson to Guns n' Roses.

I Completely Missed July

How shameful... and it would have been my one year blogging anniversary. Oh well, I guess I'll just leave you all with this deep thought to ponder.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. No wait. It's not love I describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. Oh well, never mind.

Deep Thoughts ... by Jack Handy

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Reflection

Today was Father’s Day, or more technically yesterday was, but I have yet to go to bed. I have never really thought much about this day because growing up I never celebrated it. But today was the first time in my life that I could reflect without question on my father when this special day came around. I’ve thought about him a little over the last little while, wondering how he’s doing or if he still thinks about our conversation. It’s hard to believe that over seven months have passed since we met back in October. I remember both the feelings I had before we met and how I felt after. It had seemed like we would talk again and learn more about one another.

Of course things don’t always turn out as we foresee them or how they are suggested. I have not heard a word from him since last October when he seemed to have finally turned the corner in his life showing interest in me for the first time. There have been no phone calls or correspondence. It’s unfortunate that the sentiments he made to me have turned out to be, from every indication I have, false. Because as I told him then and I say now, I’m done. I no longer have to think about him if I don’t want to. My focus is on my own two sons.

The misfortune belongs to him.

Summer is here again

This was taken (not by me) during the forest fires of 2004 in BC. A lot of people lost their homes and businesses. Here's hoping for cooler summer this year.

Wouldn't it be crazy...

... if I posted more than once in the same day?

Wait a tick, I just did. :)

TEARS DON'T KNOW

Dead tears hit the ground
Icy rain falls all around
It's dead weight and skin deep
Yet I still can't seem to sleep

Where did our past go
Doesn't anyone appear to know
How things can be so right
Then be gone all of a sudden in the dead night

The deal you've signed and closed
Why you left me nobody knows
Like a sword that pierces flesh
You've made this life a total mess

Laughing is a lie
And feelings can't die
I said we should try
But you only said goodbye

Something Clever

So here I sit on flight 2022 on my way to Idaho. Excitement she wrote! At least I finally found the time to update my neglected blog. Of course I could have also used the 2h 90min lay over at SeaTac to type this, and maybe even have done so through a wifi connection. But to be honest I just didn’t feel like it. Here’s hoping my hotel in Nowhere Idaho will have Internet, or this might have to wait until I return home to get posted.

I’m sitting in the very back row of what seems to be one of the smallest aircrafts I’ve ever been on. Actually this would be the second time today on this model of plane. I don’t really mind flying on the smaller planes but the amount of noise during flight is annoying. You also feel the landing a lot more. The nice thing about this flight right now is that it’s less than half full, meaning elbow room! YAY! My first flight today was much fuller, but the flight was only 35mins in the air. So really nothing to complain about. I even sat beside a very attractive young lady. How often does that happen? Usually I end up in between a crying new born and someone with a chronic cough.

I will be in Idaho for a couple of days on business. This is my first cross boarder business trip and is kind of exciting. At the same time I’m also a little nervous. However I’m very relieved that I was able to cross the boarder without a hitch. I had heard so many horror stories about U.S. customs that I was paranoid I wouldn’t get across. It’s funny; they ask you questions about where you live and what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it. And even though I’m not doing anything wrong or illegal I still fumble for the answers and feel like I’m hiding something. Weird.

I feel my descent now and can see the farm land below, so I’ll sign off now.

*YAY, my room has Internet... wireless even.

Bad Blogger.... Bad!

I know I have been so neglecting over the last few months. If my blog were a pet, poor thing would be dead by now. I wish that I could say I've been so tremendously busy that I just wasn't able to find the time in my over loaded spectacular days to update my blog with a even a simple single line, but then I'd be a liar. I just haven't taken the time. But that's all gonna change, right? (temporary moment of thought while my brain tries to determine if it's being asked directly, or if the question is rhetorical.)

Of course.

I will post a real one soon, but until then...

Enjoy this picture taken by a geologist last year. I just love this photo.

News of my demise has been greatly exaggerated

In the weird and wacky events of 2005 some good news has finally come about. My tests results came back clean. CAT scan was normal and blood tests were good. Also I was clean on the Diabetes test, which runs rampant in my extended family. Dr says it was a migraine caused by a blood vessel contracting impeding blood flow, in turn creating those crazy symptoms which I don’t believe I shared, but they were loss of vision, short term memory loss, loss of feeling in my arm and wicked headaches for five days. It was a little unnerving to say the least. Dr says it may never happen again, or could become a normal occurrence. I sure as hell hope not. Oh, and my arm is going to take 2 months to heal. As it turns out I clipped some tendons after all.

So lookout 31, here I come!

Blood Is Thicker Than Water

As it turns out cutting my wrist wasn't as painful as I had imagined. Now before you get all squirrelly thinking that I've become suicidal, don't. Last week while working at my kitchen table I was attempting to cut two plastic ties with my very sharp pocket knife when I accidentally plunged the 1 1/4 inch blade into my left wrist. The tie came off to easy or the knife was too sharp, either way before I realized what was happening I had stabbed myself. This was not a cut or slice, the knife went straight in. I have never seen so much blood. Of course I had no idea if I had hit an artery so I immediately covered and put pressure on it, and had the friend that was over take me to emergency. Luckily I missed the artery by about 2 1/2 inches, and I also didn't hit any tendons, just muscle. So for the past week I have had no use of my left hand. In fact I can't even hold a cup of coffee yet in that hand. Good thing I'm right handed.

But this brings me back to my previous post, only now I'm contributing to my failing body. Speaking of which, I had my CAT scan yesterday. So I should know next week if I'll see 31 or not. So with that I'm going to leave you with my favorite Jack Handy.

"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car."

If I Remember...

Ok, so I realized that when I turned 30 I was definitely entering a new time in my life. Even though it was something I had been dreading for as long as I can remember, I did in some sort of backwards way think that maybe I'd somehow be growing into a new more mature me, almost like becoming more of an adult.

Never for a second did I think that I would instantly turn old and have my body start falling apart. Yet this is what seems to be occurring. I have now seen four different doctors in the past three months. That's more doctors than I had seen in the past three or four years. I don't feel like getting into all the particulars but this is starting to stress me out. Currently I am waiting to hear back from the hospital on a date for a CAT scan. I have in 30 years never even broken a bone, and now I'm getting my head examined?? Although now that I reflect, I can recall a couple of my ex-girlfriends making that exact suggestion. All joking aside I do hope this stops soon.

Enough wasted text...

I just finished watching 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' and I must say that it was pretty good. The whole concept of erasing specific memories of past relationships really made me think. Sure there have been tons of movies about erasing memories, most of which star Cali's Governor, but this was very unique in the way the concept was used for failed relationships. Kind of reminded me a little of a Terry Gilliam flick. I have seen a few of Charlie Kaufman's previous films so I knew what to expect, and was not disappointed in the least. If you haven't seen it, rent it. One thing I never realized before was how sexy Kate Winslet is. I never really thought much of her before... Of course I did see that terrible Titanic movie so maybe I had forgotten about her when I tried erasing the fact I lost 3 1/2 hours of my life watching a movie I already knew the ending to.

I personally don't think that erasing bad memories is a good idea. I think that it's our bad or difficult experiences and memories of them, that shape what type of individuals we become. And besides, if you had no bad or hurtful memories, how would you know if you had any good ones with nothing to measure them by?

Black Wednesday

Well it’s been awhile. Not intentionally, just the way things worked out. Has much happened since I last posted? In a word… yes.

There are several things that I want to share, but first I must get this off my chest. Yesterday was, in my opinion, the blackest day in professional sports history. I am so disgusted, frustrated, and downright pissed that Mr. Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow have taken it upon themselves to destroy the tradition and livelihood of millions of people for simple selfishness. They have completely disregarded the fans of the National Hockey League and everything the Stanley Cup stands for. For those unaware, yesterday February 16^th, 2005 at approximately 10 AM Pacific, Gary Bettman the Commissioner of the NHL officially cancelled the 2004-2005 hockey season. This coming after over five months of sparse negotiations ending with both sides being closer to an agreement than at any other time. They have violently stabbed this sport through the heart.

We all heard the speculation from the beginning that the season may be in jeopardy and that there may not be a season until 2006. But in my heart of hearts I never truly believed the dispute would go that far, or that they would let it. And I don’t think that most fans thought it would either. After all, the NHL is a multi billion dollar business. Why would they risk losing all that money? But they have. It’s simply billionaires fighting with millionaires. And what about Joe Fan? Too bad, so sad. Bettman saying he’s sorry at his press conference, but I simply cannot believe or trust him. And that goes for the Players Association representative Bob Goodenow as well. I believe both Bettman and Goodenow should be immediately removed from their positions, and replaced with real negotiators who want and know how to get a deal in place that works for both sides. I don’t care about the argument that players make too much money. So do most people in the entertainment business. I don’t differentiate between professional sports players and actors or musicians. So the money to me is a mute point.

What does matter to me is being shafted by the only sport that I am truly passionate about. The same one my two sons love. This is part of my culture, and something that I can share with my children. I love this sport, and I love my team. And I am no different than millions of others who feel the same way. What really sickens me is that after toying with our (the fan’s) emotions for the last five months, they have cancelled the season over what would seem to be a measly 6.5 million dollars. Sure that’s a lot of money to me or you but put into the perspective of the industry and its pocket change. The NHL is a 2.1 billion dollar industry annually, what’s 6.5 million?

Now I’m hurt that they have done this, but at least I can continue to work and feed my family, but what about the uncountable numbers of individuals who count on a NHL season for their livelihood? I am not talking about the players who make millions of dollars, or even the players on the bottom end that brings in only 600k. But I am speaking of the front desk people, the hotel and restaurant workers, and the taxi cabbies and others who have all taken hourly cuts in shifts and or pay cuts. Or those who may have lost their jobs completely due to lack of business affected by this ridiculous situation the lock-out has created. No, the NHL and NHLPA care so much that after trying to make their points for the last five months, bantering back and forth, that they come within reach of a real agreement that would have seen the end of all this nonsense and fix most of the damage done, just to let their gigantic egos get in the way. They have destroyed the loyalty of their fans and have tainted the game for future generations. Not to mention bringing undue hardships upon countless families that now need to find a new way to put food on their tables.

Shame on the NHL and the NHLPA, and especially on Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow. You make me sick.